shimmering madness

My battle with demons...

2012-02-21T09:22:00.002-05:00

It has been awhile since I posted to this blog but an occasion like this deserves to be heard.

I had the most amazing dream last nite, the best dream I think I have ever had. It did not start out ok. It was very frightening and my heart raced fast, I could even feel my blood pressure rise. I was being attacked by the devil and demons. They were trying to possess me and take over the world. It was working they were taking me over, then I somehow had the strength to fight them. I drew crosses and started to recite prayers that I knew, suddenly I was talking to Jesus. The skies opened up and out he came, surrounded me with white light, lifting me up away from the darkness.

The battle continued, I called on him and Mother Mary and St. Francis. I should note that I don't belong to any particular religion but I felt a strong connection to them. Jesus showed me a picture of myself riding a beautiful Unicorn and I saw him put a necklace of protection on me and then he took my hands and filled them with his light. I went back and fought those demons and we were winning but it got very scary and woke me up. I drifted back right into the same dream fighting and fighting. Then woke up again, this time around 3am.

After I woke up, I got out of bed and I immediately put on my protection and angel bracelet left the light on and put on my grandmas ring. What a lunatic, I know but the dream was so real and scared me pretty bad. I said some protection prayers and called on the Archangels, Fairies, Goddesses and my luved ones, as well as God. Once I felt safe again, I fell back asleep, right into that dream again.

We fought and the devil took over sometimes, it was alarming. In that dream other people were there fighting as well, I somehow had to keep everyone fighting for the good and not go over to the dark side. I called out AA Michael and Raphael..The Fairies, God and Mary, All the Saints and Angels. No one came, we were being defeated the fires of hell were rising and fear and darkness were about to take over. I made one more plea when I was at the end of my rope, just before being converted (we were in a church, forgot to mention that) The the top of the church opened up, yellow, gold, white and green light energy poured in. I could see Jesus and the Archangels all in battle gear. I floated up to Jesus, he sent me my Unicorn, I called the Fairies to restore everyone, they came out...we were winning again. I flew around on my Unicorn fighting all the demons, most of them disappeared. But the fight wasn't over, it continued like this for awhile.

I wasn't as afraid as before and stayed asleep this time. Someone in the dream had mentioned that it had to be perfectly timed because somehow time had to go back in time to where I was at the start of the dream. When the timing was right a carriage came out of the sky for me and all demons and the devil were defeated. I flew out of the church to the people outside. I just remember bright lights and I was flying in the air. I saw the other Angels now, around all the people outside protecting them when I couldn't see them before. Then suddenly I saw from the corner of my eye, on me there were a pair of green and white wings. I had felt complete luv, and the full energy of spiritual beings.

I awoke, 8am and knew that I was meant to help heal others. Long dream, I am sorry but I was just so amazing and full colour and very vivid images. I feel very at peace now. Thank you for reading.

Much Luv
xoxoxo

Today

2012-02-20T18:42:00.001-05:00

I hope today brings you little drops of joy.
I hope the sunshine soothes your soul.
I hope the stars sparkle thru the dark holes.
I hope you feel beautiful today,
and luved in everyway.
I hope today is the day,
you start your life and let your cares slip away.

J. M. Crole '12

Complete

2012-02-18T20:44:00.000-05:00

No one would believe it's true,
the way you feel about me, I feel about you.
Everlasting luv that is real.
Lost without you is how I feel.
A luv that travels thru time and space,
to land in a special place.
My heart it seems, is not complete without you.
Maybe this lifetime our dream didn't come true.
But I believe someday I will be with you.
And we will laugh and play as we used to do.

j. m. crole '12

Breeze

2012-01-25T12:01:00.002-05:00

On a breeze,
whispering trees.
Makes me weak,
in the knees.
Knowing it's me,
I have to please.
Not the only one,
that sees.
The distance,
in the trees,
becomes a warm,
gentle breeze.

j. m. crole '12

2012-01-15T05:18:00.001-05:00

On a positive note, thanks everybody for viewing my blog...Much luv...

Perceive

2012-01-12T20:28:00.000-05:00

Flickering dripless honey.
Stings the tongue, isn't that funny?
Odd negotiation.
Quite possibly guilty.
Isn't her nose pretty?
Has been in repair,
So people no longer stare.
Tasty treat, sugary and sweet.
Makes the noises dull when you crash.
Seems our personalities clash.
Beautiful she dreams,
pretty skin that gleams,
super white teeth that beam.
Super tight, everything fits right.
Golden skin, dainty chin.
What a nice place she must be in.
To know that judgement's never win,
she would have to believe,
we are more than our eye perceive.

j. m. crole '12

A bird flightless...

2012-01-12T19:59:00.001-05:00

Indefinite.

Defines.

Drama unwinds.

Synchronicity.

Believe.

Striving to achieve.

Nightmare.

Distance.

Taking a chance.

Fear.

Embrace.

Nothing left to replace.

Madness.

Shimmering.

Alone and glimmering.

Wasted.

Valued.

Craziness ensued.

Gravity.

Lightness.

A bird flightless.

j. m. crole '12

Starlite

2012-01-12T19:27:00.000-05:00

Evening shade, illuminates the stars.
The stars drop their dew upon the grass,
shedding happy tears as they watched the day pass.
Proudly perfect and bound to you.
The distance apart has never been so near.
Overflowing luv, dissipates the fear.
The dark nite sky sparkles in anticipation,
to grant our wishes and lead us where we are destined.
Oh shimmering souls, how beautifully you fill the holes.
Cracks in the foundation, filled with a glittery sensation.
Waiting for the first one to appear...
to make my wish to you my dear.
That you stay right where you are,
knowing in my heart you are never far.
Beauty of the nite, you inspire me,
leaving me to dream of what might be.
I close my eyes, ready to dream.
It's as if nothing is what it seems.

j. m. crole '12

Crescent moon in Pieces....Holy weird dreams...

2011-12-30T11:36:00.000-05:00

Last nite i felt like i went on some kind of adventure in my sleep. The dreams go in three separate parts but all intertwine with one another.

First dream was like the ghosts from Scrooge came to visit me. Only it was one ghost, a luved one. Starting with me on New years as i slept thru midnite in my brothers old water bed. i was suddenly awakened and went back into my room to find it all decorated for the New Year. Then someone jumped out a box and surprised me. Then i was on a beach trying to remember what floor my apartment was on and what number it was...my luv one guided me thru the beach, they were lifting me up and we were floating across the beach to some sort of Frisbee toss where i lost badly but they showed me if i actually tried i could do it. Then i was in a CT scan (no surprise i have an important scan coming up) But they took me from where i am now and shrunk me up into a little baby, i felt all the pain as i was shrinking. Warned me that a ambulance trip to Orangeville will do no good but one to a bigger city would help. I actually woke up to a lot of pain everywhere....weird...but that is all i remember.

The next two sort of mash together. I was going back to school and living in a dorm. I couldn't find my way and then i was in a bar drinking and then i was behind some building and Ashton Kutcher was there (SURPRISE) anyways we were talking and my friend was with me, he very charming and cute. Kissed him goodbye and some sorority girls found me and told me there was a ghost in the house could i do something about it. This is where it gets really weird, i don't know if i can even explain it.

The ghost was down some hole and i decided i would go talk to it, it then sucked me in, much like the things in Mario, they were portholes to different dimensions. I first went to way back in the day and had a sword fight. Then went back up and then the ghost sucked me down another day. He was lonely the ghost and there was a dark side coming after us. If i touched the wrong thing it would draw nearer to us. So somehow i was talking to the ghost and he said he would take me to see Eddie Vedder, down the hole i went. And what i can only describe as being Seattle there was Eddie with his jean jacket and guitar, talking to me and singing new songs i hadn't heard before. We couldn't stay long but Eddie thanked me and i went back up again. Some other stuff happened and when the dark side came after me, i called on my cousin Damon to save me. Suddenly i saw a crystal quartz and he flung me up out of the portal and that other ghost had gone.

I wish i could describe it better, they were in such vivid detail and i could feel myself flying thru the air.
I think i might have a nap now, with all that travelling. Not to mention i slept for like 14hrs...oops...

2011-12-29T19:32:00.001-05:00

Another year has gone by and fast too. I can't say it was the greatest year. There were some highlights like starting a business with a friend and going to classes at The School of Miracles. Health wise total crap. I have felt sick since January had some breaks but mainly unwell. But I have learned to deal with it. Having trouble with my dr and all the tests and all the while feeling so,so sick. Still waiting for a few more. But because of the holidays they have been prolonged. I am hoping for a healthier 2012 and have been told I will be better by next Christmas. A year and counting.I sincerely hope your New Year is prosperous, healthy and successful.Best wishes and much luv to u all!!!

D.J.E.

2011-12-12T12:40:00.000-05:00

LIVE HARD, PLAY HARD, LUV HARD, WORK HARD, LAUGH HARD.

Such a short time here, but powerful legacy left behind, as only you would have it to be. This day is never easy for me, but i feel sharing your message is important. This little devil is now an angel. Till we meet again, my friend. Missing you dearly.

Much luv.

Out of fear and into luv...

2011-12-10T15:19:00.001-05:00

I just watched a lecture from Dr. Wayne Dyer, Excuses Begone. It had me thinking, what if i could no longer make excuses? How different would my life look? So i imagined what it would look like if i didn't have these excuses based on the fears that i have. What a beautiful picture i saw, mostly of me being free, free from the place of fear that holds me down and drowns me everyday.

Freedom and limitless possibilities at my finger tips, if i could only let go of the fear.
Fear that i am too ugly, stupid, fat, worthless, and sick. Fear that i don't deserve anything good to happen to me or that i can't afford to be happy. Fear that i might actually want to live and be a passionate person.

For so long i have been making these excuses and believing these fears. But for one second today i imagined a place where they could no longer exist. Suddenly, i was strong, beautiful, capable and well with all the abundance one could ever ask for. Suddenly my heart opened up to a luving capacity that i never thought possible in this lifetime. Dr. Dyer, suggests to go to this place many times throughout the day and especially at nite before you go to bed.

I urge you to imagine this place free from fear, filled with eternal luv, and NO more excuses. Dr. Dyer had said from God, all things are possible. Once we set the lower energy of our ego free and tap into the Divine Source which is luv, all things will become possible and we can live out what we were destined to do.

It has changed my way of thinking. I hope you will be inspired to look up more information and begin your journey out of fear and into luv.

Many Blessings

2011-12-02T15:47:00.001-05:00

Just want to thank everyone, here and there for their support during my period of unwellness. Thanks for understanding when i have had to cancel or couldn't come with you. I am very grateful to have all of you in my life! Much Luv!

2011-12-02T15:07:00.001-05:00

It has been awhile since my last post. A lot has happened but couldn't feel inspired enough to put it into words.

Fighting between my illness and trying to concentrate on my class and improving my skills. Not an easy battle. Trying to decipher what it is that is wrong with me and bunch of tests, that only revealed more things that are wrong with me. The worst part is that my doctor just assumed that my illness was all made up in my head because i am bi-polar and anxious, she just assumed that is what it was and wouldn't hear my feelings or symptoms. It took my ears, nose and throat specialist to finally hear what i was saying and he figured out what was wrong, which 4 weeks later doesn't really matter because i am starting to feel better. But now i know it wasn't in my head. Well, funny thing is it was the ENT said it was a cold virus that got into my head and tampered with my balance censors and that explained all my symptoms. So feeling better now.

I have now finished my course at the School Of Miracles. Wow! What a ride! It is like the flood gates just opened up and suddenly what was so quiet before is screaming in my head now. I still have a lot to learn and am thinking of another course with Heather. It was so nice to be around people who feel and experience the same things that i do. It's all about validation, i think. We all seek it, proof that what we say, think or do is right or accepted. It's what i am always seeking. Thanks to Heather, Joanna and other classmates for building up my confidence and believing in me and my abilities. Such a supporting environment there. The lessons i learned there are invaluable. Now i see opportunities i never would have thought possible. And have the tools i need to move forward.

I think the lesson here is that no matter what adverse things life throws at you, you are a creature of survival and YES you will make it thru and be stronger for it in the end.

Luv & Lite,
jenn

2011-12-02T14:54:00.001-05:00

So i am here and you are there.
Perfect sense of loss.
Recovery is much harder here.
So many regrets and disappointments.
I broke through the pain,
to find you again.
Right where i left you.
Your luv shone thru.
Providing me with comfort,
and your lovely lite too.
To heal the wounds that i carry,
and thoughts that i bury.
To you i owe the journey that has come,
and with it we all become one.

j. m. crole '11

This time the devil won...

2011-10-25T14:36:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure what was going on last nite but another dream about God and the Devil. This time starring John Krasinski. Some weird things were happening in the basement and we all had to get out of a tiny window. John was on the outside pulling people out. When we got out, strange lava came all around us. We knew it was the devil. We prayed and some lite came down and it disappeared then it was back again, dragging us into hell. I prayed once more, while in hell and a door opened and let flowers, lite and butterflies in getting rid of all the heat and fire from the devil. Then i was going up some hill and the devil took me over to the darkside. He got all of us to convert to his side put us in a black hole and pushed us down to hell. That's not a good sign is it? ha!

Wish

2011-10-25T14:28:00.000-04:00

Starlite, star brite,
hear my wish tonite.
All that glitters, makes me shiver.
Dances on the nite, feeling free.
Here is my wish to be:
To see no more suffering and sadness.
Take away all the madness.
Ease the pain of those who suffer,
Teach daughter's to luv like no other.
Teach son's to be brave and strong,
and let us have a place where we all belong.
Take away doubt, fear and worry.
That is my wish, please do hurry.

j. m. crole '11

Gold

2011-10-25T14:17:00.001-04:00

Turn to gold all the old junk sitting in your heart.
Stars hang above, sparkling with intention.
Grab hold of what is true,
leave the rest behind you.
Open your heart to make your wishes come true.
Free and wild on the brim of happiness.
Give your luv, to those here and above.
Our worlds not far between.
Believe that u will get thru everything.
And let your heart sing.

j. m. crole '11

Drift

2011-10-25T14:02:00.000-04:00

A drift.
Murky water, trickled down the bench.
Sat there dreaming of me and you.
Holding on to your existence, all of what u were.
Thoughts slipped thru my mind. Maybe able, maybe blind.
All the fun things we used to do. Some for me, some for u.
With the grey sky above me, clouds closing in, chill in the air.
About to begin.
Shadows of the past, just leaves on the ground.
Fond memories abound.
My breath exhales a pale mist,
as the thoughts of us drift.

j. m. crole '11

2011-10-16T14:29:00.002-04:00

Never fails to end in tears, when u live with a negative hole.

The trick is to battle that negativity and not let it consume u.

Negative is much stronger than positive. But if u just shine a lite on it, it will dissipate.

i am asking for some lite now.

Secret

2011-10-03T18:28:00.000-04:00

Out the front door, the stillness in the air impales me.
Struggling for breath, i reach for my umbrella.
The empty street echos the drops falling from the sky.
I haven't made it this far before.
Mundane existence, begs for mercy.
I put the umbrella away, step into the rain.
Dehydrated, i jump right into the storm.
Feeling my body being reborn.
God's tears upon me, i no longer hide.
But still there is a secret i have left inside.

J. M. Crole '11

Long nap...

2011-10-03T00:53:00.000-04:00

So i had a nap at 7pm and it apparently lasted till now and now i can't go back to sleep. So i was thinking of a few things. Like what i have learned from those who have passed, i came up with a list. Here is how it goes:

Papa Conrad ~live hard, die young.
Damon ~ Live, Luv, Laugh and sing and dance too.
Kelsie ~ Angels are amoung us.
Papa Crole ~ there is more to life than sound.
Grandma Conrad ~ there is a truth to every lie.
Grandma Crole ~ judging on the outside is not a very clear picture of what is on the inside.
Great Uncle Orval ~ Hard work pays off.
Great Aunt Lil ~ A kind heart is the best heart.
Damien ~ Live each day as if it were your last.

They are still teaching me now, for awhile i felt like i had completely lost them. But now they visit my dreams, sometimes i hear them speak. They play songs, and flash their pictures on my laptop when i am thinking of them. Sometimes their movies come on tv and i watch knowing they are beside me. That might sound strange but i feel my connection to them may have grown since they have passed. They are coming from a much more clearer state now, no judgement, no pain. It is hard to believe there is a place like that with all the suffering here. But i believe it is very real and our luved ones are just on the other side not so far away. Talk to them, they want to hear from u. Even when u may have moved on, they are still by your side waiting for u to come home and have a big reunion party in the sky. That's at least how i see it.

Cold medication dreams

2011-10-02T10:58:00.000-04:00

Just for the record, i dreamt of Robert Pattinson last nite and he is in Toronto today apparently. He did mention to me last nite in my dream that his fiance, Kristen would not be impressed if he moved in with me....hahahahha...fiance..hmmm, we'll wait and see. Also dreamt i was a part of Ashton Kutcher's team, not sure for what, but we had Rpatzz on there too and Damien. And everyone was really excited when we found out they made gatorade candles. In blueberry, grape and strawberry i saw them.

Before that dreamt i was on a boat with Ashton and Robert drinking blue martini's we saw lots of dolphins, and a killer whale bit my foot. We were somewhere in Barrie, Ontario...not sure how those animals got there. hahaha. Just as strange as Ashton and Robert going on a boat with me ; )

***just made the Damien/Ashton Kutcher connection...they both luv football. jokes on me i guess.

Spider Web

2011-09-29T00:02:00.000-04:00

She screams happiness in the midst of her sorrow.
Riding the tail of a whale escaping tomorrow.
Breathes in swallow, worries immense.
Feeling the sadness is too intense.
I have been here before,
and know the struggle.
But i found a lite at the end of my tunnel.
Shone brite, as if heaven was upon me.
Led me away from the things that haunt me.
Be not afraid of your grief as it pulls your near.
Take a deep breath and know that u are here.

j. m. crole '11

Inspired by a reading i did in my class tonite at the www.schoolofmiracles.ca I had a psychical response to reading a card, that has never happened before and that really amazed me. I am so grateful for my experiences here. I can't express my gratitude enough and am thankful for the luv and support i have from people here and beyond.

Luv & Lite

2011-09-22T10:42:00.001-04:00

A lot of negative energy in my house today. : ( Trying to shake it off but just want to cry. Its hard when u are feeling positive but negativity is all around u. Keep fighting the good fight, i guess. Potter and the Cullens won, i can too. ; ) i hope.

2011-09-20T14:40:00.002-04:00

I know your around and can feel u near.
I am never afraid when u are here.
Transformed our lives, we'll never be the same.
I watch u play your butterfly game.
A teenager now, where did the time go?
A young diva or princess,
maybe u would be a rocker...priceless.
We all miss u down here.
Happy birthday Kelsie, my dear.

Luv, Auntie Jenn xoxoxo

Angel

2011-09-18T12:37:00.002-04:00

Fell dangerously backwards, into an endless pit of anxiety and depression.
U were there, glowing brite and shimmering. Didn't let me hit the ground.
Instead became my pillow, a soft landing, for such a dark time.
Injected a needle full of luv and hope into my heart.
Barely beating, i was losing blood.
U replaced my emptiness with the healing power of lite.
I may have fallen but did not stay.
I climbed back up out of the hole, and started anew.
Knowing that beside me, was always u.

j. m. crole '11

Faery of Hearts

2011-09-17T11:03:00.000-04:00

The Faery sat quietly under the shimmering moonlite.
She, the Faery of hearts, ready to harvest her crop.
The hearts bursting with excitement for their next journey.
With whom will they join together?
Whose heart will they fill up with luv?
The Faery gathered her crop in her pouch and carried onward.
She found a lonely Faery crying by the river.
The Faery of hearts knelt beside her, opened her pouch and gave her a heart.
The lonely Faery, smiled brite as the moon, her heart suddenly filled with joy.
No longer did she feel alone, and male faery came toward her down the path.
The Faery of hearts handed him a heart from her pouch.
It sparkled and shined so brite, the two lonely faeries began to unite.
The Faery of hearts contiued on her way,
for there were many lonely hearts for her to save.

j. m. crole '11

2011-09-12T10:12:00.000-04:00

PJ20

SEPTEMBER 11, 2011
ACC, TORONTO

i'm sorry the visual is terrible, i just wanted u to hear how amazing the sound was.

Long road

Small Town

Picture on a sunny day

It's Ok

Unthought Known

Save it for later

Rockin in the free world
Neil Young came out for this one and they must have jammed for 15 minutes.

Ideal setlist for PJ20

2011-09-09T15:47:00.001-04:00

My dream set list, i was trying to make it as realistic as possible ; )

Set 1

Long road
Hail hail
Go
Porch
Breath and a scream
In my tree
RVM
I got shit
Unthought known
Corduroy
In hiding
Daughter
Animal
Set 2

Light years
Just breathe
State of luv and trust
Given to fly
The fixer
Sometimes
Present tense
Alive
Hard to imagine
Not for u
Jeremy
Parting ways
Harvest moon

Set 3

Gimme some truth
Got some
Black
Even flow
Evolution
MFC
Elderly woman
Breakerfall
Wishlist
Thin air
I believe in miracles
Sonic Reducer
Once
Betterman

Encore 1

Crazy Mary
The end
Come back

Encore 2

Rockin in the free world
Yellow ledbetter

1st class

2011-09-07T23:41:00.000-04:00

Tonite i started a Psychic development and Meditation class with my friend Joanna at the www.schoolofmiracles.ca. It was a bit hard to find but was WELL worth it. I was anxious about doing the meditation, i had only done small ones before and wasn't sure how well i would be able to relax. Especially in a room full of strangers, but it went very well.

The guided meditation was so soothing, the teacher's voice was so calming and nurturing. Each of us had very unique experiences in our meditations, it was fascinating listening to them all. Mine was very full of luv and brought my grief over the ones i've lost to the forefront and did make me cry. But my luved ones assured me that it was going to be ok.

She guided us down a path with beings on our right and left. Before the meditation started i felt my spirit guide Richard's hand on my left shoulder. Then as we were guided down a white lit path, we were asked to notice a being on our left. I didn't take me a second before i knew it was my cousin Damon. Full of reassuring messages. To my right was my ex boyfriend Damien. Thankful to me, and telling me that i am luved. They both told me to feel my grief not let it hide, that it is safe to come out...u will be safe.

The teacher then told us to take notice of a non-human energy behind us, i saw a beautiful shimmering white unicorn, hair blowing in the wind, sparkling eyes. She told me she was there to remind me to play and have fun like a child again.

That was an amazing experience but it got even better. As we all told our experiences during meditation, a lady mentioned seeing a cardinal...if u read my blog before, u would know that the cardinal represents my cousin Damon. Then we arrived at someone elses account, they validated that Damon was in their meditation.

For the last few minutes of class the teacher did some channelling, i had never witnessed that before so it was out of this world. She spoke from the faery realm, and they had acknowledged that i saw the unicorn in my meditation. They assured us that they were there, and not to step on them while we walk. That they luv to fly, dance and make music. This i all knew to be true, though i don't remember clearly, i know that earlier on, when i was much younger we used to play together.

So any doubts i had had about spirit are gone now, they showed up and proved to me that i can see, hear and feel them. i didn't fully allow myself to believe, but i do now...thank-u to all that have guided me here...i am forever grateful.

fix u

2011-09-05T12:15:00.000-04:00

"lites will guide u home" ~ Coldplay ~

It has been almost 2 years, but i still feel this planet of regret resting on my heart. I guess that is what happens when someone goes so suddenly. My tarot cards were right today, i have a bunch of repressed feelings...it is not good to hold these feelings in because they will come back to haunt u...bring them into the lite and let them guide u home.

"tears stream down my face, when u lose something u cannot replace" ~ Coldplay ~

Let them out, be sorry but don't hold regrets. They are burdens too heavy for our hearts to carry. The weight of them will drag us down and we cannot be our amazing selves with all that heaviness. Learn from your mistakes and carry on. Don't look back unless it is to learn from the past. Let the tears fall and wash away all the sadness.

"when u luv someone and it goes to waste" ~ Coldplay ~

Sometimes it takes a tragedy for us to realize our feelings...is it too late then??? Don't let your luv go to waste, embrace it, show it, be proud of it. Never feel ashamed of what u are feeling. U are unique and so are your feelings. Luv never wastes, unless u abuse it's power or refrain from expressing it.

He wore 3...

2011-09-04T19:38:00.001-04:00

He wore the number 3 to try and impress me.
He sang a song in my ear,
and now that's all i can hear.
He made me laugh till it hurt.
I used to think he was a jerk.
Somehow we fell in luv,
some kind of joke from above.
He wore the number 3 to impress me.
I was too bitter to see.
What was standing before me.

(and this is a true story ; )
j. m. crole -11

27 dresses

2011-09-04T15:09:00.001-04:00

i can relate to the people pleaser jane is in 27 dresses. always making sure everyone is happy and taken care of. it's not that i neglect myself, i am selfish sometimes too. but if everyone is happy, i can be happy, even if it means i am not, and keeping my opinions to myself.

i just cried watching the end where james marsden says he thinks someone should take care of her for a change. don't we all need that??? someone to take care of us for a change. instead of us carrying the world on our shoulders. we all need someone to help us carry our burdens. Or, which i am afraid of, losing it like jane and doing something outrageous...my time is coming, watch out!!! it is bound to be entertaining.

Belong

2011-09-03T12:01:00.001-04:00

Sing your truth,
become your youth.
Fight with passion,
Forgive your sin.
Live in the present,
Forget where yesterday went.
Laugh and be proud,
Say your feelings out loud.
Be bold, brave and strong.
Know that you belong.

j. m. crole '11

Drink

2011-09-03T11:49:00.002-04:00

Remain in your fortress,
calm and divine.
Waiting for u to be mine.
Ever strong, seek resistance.
Forever long, keep strong.
Balance, the one who falls.
Breathe in the tragedy of it all.
Mistakes forgiven, another chance to win.
Perfect disaster, memory clear.
Messing up the madness, drink the fear.

j. m. crole '11

So it is...

2011-08-20T16:44:00.000-04:00

red sparkles, immediate escape.
felt as though you were watching,
a mistake i would not make.
colourful, misleading lady,
pulls at the hearts strings,
luv forever, never maybe.
a glance, seductive words.
begs the difference,
between the voice that's heard.
sitting beside me, can feel the sting,
of what once was, now behind everything.
So it is, ever shall be,
a memory of u and me.

j. m. crole '11

2011-08-14T15:22:00.000-04:00

It doesn't hurt as bad knowing u are just on the other side.
Maybe i can't see u physically anymore, but i can hear and feel you now.
I know our time together on earth was short, forever u live in my heart and i will meet u there one day soon. The time that passes between us are just dimensions apart. Inside my heart and soul,
wherever you may go, i will be.

2011-08-08T15:23:00.000-04:00

Some days i wish i could have the insight George Bailey got from his angel Clarence. To see what the world would be like without me in it. How my life affects others, just for one moment to view that would be amazing.....feeling somewhat insignificant, today : ( It's hard to not feed the ego and be not selfish all the time.

I suspect...

2011-07-28T17:55:00.000-04:00

i suspect my aunts is just the place i needed to be right now....the healing energy her house omits is amazing. the first nite i was here i saw an emerald green orb over my bed at night. i researched it and turns out that archangel raphael shows up that way and he is there for healing. also to help with intuition. also today, i saw 2 cardinals that came on the back deck with a hummingbird. i know the cardinals come from my cousin, my aunts son who has passed. not sure who the hummingbird is but since we lost several of our family members it has come around. also saw a blue jay in the front yard, who is my cousin too. and a black dragonfly in the garden. needless to say i desperately needed to get out into nature and find the awe in the universe again. thankful for this opportunity. oh and my brother witnessed the cardinals and hummingbird...he wasn't too impressed when i said it was our cousin...hahaha....

Dive

2011-07-26T15:23:00.000-04:00

Out of the black, sinking in the blue.
Meek presence yields creativity.
Marking the skin with negativity.
Sensing the chaos is over.
No longer need to control her.
Diving in the sea of darkness.
Has left its mark on sadness.
Freedom, unleashed potential.
Left her mind strong and useful.

j. m. crole '11

Swirl

2011-07-26T15:11:00.002-04:00

A desperate echo,
blowing in the past.
Watching the memories of us fade.
The dreams we made, all but come true.
Not in this lifetime, now not with u.
Afraid to fall further, without your permission.
Eating away at my souls mission.
Grounded by what was,
ever escaping the "just because".
The what ifs are swirling around my head.
Haunted by the last things you said.

j, m. crole '11

Vivid

2011-07-26T10:44:00.001-04:00

Breezy exsistence,
wallows in excellence.
Waiting for the days to go by.
A good nites sleep, is one of the best drugs.
Clears the mind and gets rid of the bugs.
Divine interference, fills in the holes.
Dividing the space and time between souls.
Dreaming a reality so clear.
Felt like u were here.
Not wanting to wake-up.
Holding on to your image.
Your message so vivid.
I wish i had the chance to live it.

j. m. crole '11

Weak

2011-07-23T20:24:00.000-04:00

Shade covers the weak,
breaks the silence of what we seek.
Drummed manner, lite and speechless.
Standing before u with a smile.
Hope this feeling lasts awhile.
Trap door, knowing what is right.
Window of opportunity, knocks at your door.
Beat them to it and beg for more.
Altered reality, seems like the real me.
Struggling with pain, makes it easy to see.
Grab hold, tight and strong.
Know that the weak belong.
Without them we would all be wrong.

j. m. crole '11

Prize

2011-07-23T20:15:00.001-04:00

Prize winning victory over madness.
Saved by a handful pills.
Never forgetting strength,
when called to fight.
Maybe touring thru the nite.
Hovering on a borderline,
escapes one last time.
Fighting for life,
echoing the shame.
Forgot my yesterdays,
playing the side effects game.

j. m. crole '11

Hole

2011-07-23T20:04:00.000-04:00

Dragged sunshine,
soaked up the water.
Dripping, dreary, dreadfulness.
Heat exhausts the lonely, mad and used.
Only to become its eternal fuse.
Deeply regretted past,
begs forgiveness at last.
So morbid, a quite existence.
Failed memories seek resistance.
Strong. the rain as it hits the ground.
The healing inside is found.

j. m. crole '11

She Will Rise Above...

2011-07-10T11:52:00.000-04:00

Wow, i think yesterday was one of my darkest days in a really long time..i apologise for my dark entries. I thought of deleting them but realized i would like people to see how easily your brain gets messed up with mental illness. Today i am feeling much more positive, still a little tear here and there. And ashamed i got so out of control. Turns out the pills solving my super high anxiety were the problem...they were making me so depressed and lost. Did calm me down, but brought me to one of the deepest levels i have been in a long time. But i survived it, i looked at pictures on my computer, wonderful memories of family and friends. And thought, i have to be there for more. I have to stay healthy and alive and alert for them. I thought i was tired before, that doesn't even begin to describe the exhaustion i feel now. Problems still haven't been solved. But i at least see a plan to in the near future and compared to yesterday, that is a mountain i just climbed. Thanks to my dream, where i was a faery fighting off the devil and won. Clever unconscious. Thanks to the unseen, u gave me the strength.

my city of ruins...

2011-07-09T15:50:00.000-04:00

suffocating, drowning, can't breathe, trapped, prisoner....

come on...rise up, come on, rise up!!!

dark rant 1

2011-07-09T10:06:00.002-04:00

it's that feeling of exhaustion for crying for so many days that i have. to realize you are a disappointment to your family, for not doing all that they want u to do. i moved to barrie for this very reason and now i am trapped again. so now i am a horrible, disgusting person for not wanting to be a babysitter of houses, flowers and children. the guilt is literally ripping my apart. Someone thought that i didn't like the kids anymore. that couldn't be farther from the truth, i luv them like my own. but i never wanted to have children, despite what other people think. i am too selfish. i like time for me. most days i have no energy and am in pain. now u are getting to see what a horrible human being i really am. there is this pain in my throat and my blood pressure is dangerously high. i feel like i can't breathe and the tears are pouring out of me. such a disappointment. let everyone down. useless piece of crap...i wish this pain would go away. But for now i will continue my duties. because i am pretty sure not doing them would cause a guilt that will kill me. that was my dark secret. feels good to have it out.

2011-07-08T18:42:00.002-04:00

family + gulit - never getting to do what u want.

2011-07-02T12:44:00.000-04:00

I am happy to report things are going back to normal....Two nites of sleep, not the best sleep but sleep. Amazing what a few Z's can do for your mental state. Pretty scary, i didn't think i would make it thru that. But i did, feeling much more myself. Something i won't try again...learned from my mistake.

2011-06-30T10:39:00.000-04:00

It is with deep regret and disappointment, that i am writing this. My brilliant idea of going off my bi-polar meds has failed miserably. I am now under heavy sedation and starting back on my regular meds. So anyone suffering from depression and on medication i strongly advise to u consider the way u were before they put u on medication. Although u may feel well now, unfortunately that is the medication talking. Having struggled with this since i was 10, i should have known better. Now i am a big mess. A relapse is not a place i recommend being. Couldn't have come at a worse time, because i have two very important kids to look after next week. I am so afraid of disappointing them. I know they will luv me not matter what, but i am not the auntie they are used to. So i am taking my words back. Some people i guess have the misfortunate problem of having this disease lifelong and need medication. Granted it isn't for everybody, but apparently it is for me. I can't tell u have frustratingly disappointing this is to me. But i feel the need to speak about it, because it is such a stigma. Please don't take your mental health for granted. So many millions struggle daily with mental illness. My heart goes out to u.

2011-06-30T10:13:00.000-04:00

Faulty existence...
Undermining medicine...
Looking for a natural way.
Sad truth lay underneath.
High functioning, feeling frightened.
How to define normal.
Shaky state, can't sit still.
Too tired to move.
Sedated and medicated.
Prisoner to my mind.
The line blurs.
Weak, failure.
Such a disappointment.

j. m. crole '11

2011-06-28T06:44:00.000-04:00

So incredibly frustrated!!! Wide awake now after 2 hours of a very shallow sleep. I was thinking the whole time, so it felt like i was awake while dreaming. This is not good. Next week i start full time babysitting, requiring me for 8 hours and have to be up at the fairly early. Well, i don't fall asleep till then. I am using the old sleeping pills too, at maximum dose, extra calcium and tried benedryl and gravol....nothing. So i think i am going to stay awake now until bedtime to try and tire myself out. It's been a week since i have gone to bed at a decent time, and this week i was planning on getting up earlier to adjust to the new schedule. I know exactly what the dr. is going to say, that i should be on my old meds. I now know the cryptic meaning behind Kurt Cobains lyric: "I'm so tired, I can't sleep."

I'm reading a book my aunt got me about everything that is wrong with us is manifested thru our negative thinking. Stories in there of people who have over-come cancer and other serious illnesses, all by saying: Infinite luv and Gratitude. It gets into a method they call lifeline and muscle testing. Saying that we can cure anything by thinking those words and heal with our minds. All the healing power we need is inside, we just have to access our subconscious, and begin to heal it from the trauma that has manifested our illnesses.

Poor Justine, has no idea whats going on. She is trying to sleep while i am up tossing and turning.

It's hard to admit you are sick, when all u want is normalcy. Maybe that doesn't exist for me. Maybe i can cure it with thoughts. All i know is that i am exhausted and in a severe amount of pain and would just like some rest.

2011-06-26T00:12:00.000-04:00

An emergency exit. Door open to the other side. Suddenly gone. Ripped out my heart. Short play, tragic endings. Who should argue greatness, may cause rapid completion. I beg for the memories, sound of your voices. Flashes of time, frozen, never moving forward. I'm glad you're there seeing it all. But wish you were here, experiencing the rest with me. World too small for your ambitions. I remain here, trying to get thru. Funny my struggles must seem to u. I am listening, for a better way. And I am grateful for the strong connection i still feel with u.

Diamond

2011-06-25T23:53:00.000-04:00

A finicky diamond plays with potential.
Lasting forever, so consequential.
Sparkling beauty, she dances in the lite.
A promise, memory or gift. Recovery from a fight.
A fiery power, we protect her beauty.
Fulfilling all its required duties.
A reminder, things past, present and future.
A luv that lasts forever, she is the cure.

j. m. crole '11

Destruction of luv...

2011-06-25T23:39:00.001-04:00

A screeching halt, frozen, ice cold, barely beating, she reaches for her bed. Who has become her partner, her only safe place. The only place that supports her, comforts her, cuddles and cradles her. The only one who feels her pain, and does not judge. Holds her close and creates dreams, lets her escape. She beats herself up, burdened with negative thoughts. Closes herself off from the outside. Her bed, a place to hide. Years pass, her confidence gone, heart still frozen, and afraid. Her bed showing signs of damage, overuse, and being smothered. Her body aches, swollen with sadness. She lies still in her bed, wondering why she gave up on life. Why her frozen heart won't melt. Why she never wants to feel luv again. The hurt was too much to bear, she thought, I am happy here, alone. She is a prisoner of fear and her lack of luv has caused her destruction. Her self hatred manifested several types of illness, she still refuses to see. That it is only luv that will set her free.

j. m. crole '11

~Undying~

2011-06-25T23:15:00.000-04:00

Lost in the fragments of a filthy matter of distance.
Trapped beneath a broken wing, failed to communicate.
Restless abundance grows weak with envy.
Maddened science completes us plenty.
Corpse set on on platform, listening to good-byes.
Never easy, the destination reveals the journey.
Open wounds beg forgiveness, calling out for sympathy.
Drape the deep seeded fear of disappearing.
Melt into the walls of engineering.
Speak but not be heard, words like knives.
Rattling the bones of the weak and frail.
Undying luv poems, complete the tale.

j. m. crole '11

My experiment...

2011-06-24T03:13:00.000-04:00

Well, it turns out that my experiment didn't turn out how i thought it would. Not being a medical professional, i can see why. I went off all my medication, in hopes that what i thought were side effects would go away. I`ve been off for a few months now and the symptoms have NOT gone, only they are getting worse. I went to my dr. with my long list of symptoms that have been plaguing me for quite some time. To my relief, she doesn't think it is diabetes but she is doing a test for it anyways. Also tests for other autoimmune diseases such as lupus.

She did however provide an answer to part of the symptoms on my list. She did some kind of trigger point test, to which i was supposed to reply if it hurt when she applied pressure. All the points hurt and she came to the conclusion that i have fibromyalgia. I have had it for quite some time, because my previous doctor in barrie had suspected it as well. Here is the best way to describe it, it feels like i have the flu almost everyday. If u are one of my friends, u know i have to cancel from time to time and that seriously upsets me. I hate bailing on people but my body seems to have other plans. I am highly affected by the weather and this last week has almost been unbearable. Getting out of bed has mostly been impossible, with the extreme exhaustion and pain and insomnia, i haven't been very productive. i feel like a loser when i am like this. Like having a shower requires more energy than i have.

I haven't really complained about it because i didn't know what it was until now. All the time i just wasn't feeling well and now i know why. Along with bi-polar, this ailment has a stigma attached to it. Some people (including doctors and health care professionals) believe it is a made up disease but i have found (Thanks to Pat) a community of sufferers whose pain is quite real. I'm thankful that i found them for now as crazy as i am, i don't feel as crazy.

I go for the other tests tomorrow, and looks like i may have to go back on some medication, to at least make it thru the summer. I am also looking into natural remedies, I find that calcium and magnesium along with omega 3-6-9 are very helpful. Well at least now i know those drugs weren't causing quite the side effects i thought they were. Other than the weight gain and making me feel like a zombie. I think they were ok. I hate when doctors are right.

"Help me from myself"

2011-06-20T22:47:00.000-04:00

This is going to be hard to write but feel it necessary to get out. Today's technology makes it impossible to hide. I've been trying to hide from cameras and mirrors for awhile. With the start of my bi-polar medication 7 years ago, the weight came on and fast and A LOT!!! Didn't seem to matter if i dieted or exercised it still piled on. Hence, part of the reason i stopped that medication. Needless to say, i am insecure about my new body. So seeing it live on livestream was horrifying to me. Since i saw it, i have had an upset feeling in my stomach. It became real to me the damage that i have done to myself....this is a hard thing to accept.

Now since i am not taking anything, i can feel the real pain. But i am thinking that this might be a test. To try out my new way of thinking, and see if i learn from this experience. This is my chance to grow and build my confidence back from all the horrible, horrific things going on in my head right now. Might be my biggest challenge yet. But I haven't given up. I'm trying to replace the really negative thoughts with positive ones. It's a battle, and i want so badly to just stay in the house and never let anyone see me again. This self hatred runs very deep, starting when i was 7 or 8, so to conquer it right away is probably impossible.

You might be wondering why i am writing about such a personal struggle. My hope is that someone who might feel the same way will read this and find a little bit of hope. If i could tell them one thing it would be to let go of fear and embrace luv. U deserve luv and to be luved. I don't usually say anything about my weight because it is such a painful subject for me, but i thought if there were more people who are feeling insecure i could tell them there is a way out.

The dark leads the way to the lite. While i try and fight this feeling of disappointment and embarrassment, i hope u will try and stop your negative thinking and rid the fear in your life and let luv in.

That being said, i did have an amazing time at Vitalogy and felt the luv from everyone around me that nite, for that i am grateful...the rest...a working progress.

Thanks for reading...

#9

2011-06-13T12:33:00.000-04:00

Here is a freaky incident. It happened in my dream last nite. The number 9 being of great significance. All kinds of things happened last night, like seeing myself in a faerie bridal gown, with wings. But most significant was going back to work at a store. I kept putting in my employee number 2142. I remember it clearly, seeing the buttons and everything. The dream previous to this one, i was a fancy restaurant and the bathrooms were apparently numbered 9 neutral. I don't know what the neutral means.

So i went to look up the meaning of numbers in dreams. It said that if you have a multiple number add the digits together 2+1+4+2 = 9!!!!!!!!!! How creepy is that??? Clearly there is a message about number nine. As if my employee number actually added up to it. So I looked up it's meaning. I know the meaning in tarot is the completion of something, it is also known as a staircase card. Here is the definition from www.dreammoods.com :

Nine
Nine denotes completion, closure, rebirth, inspiration, and reformation. You are on a productive path, seeking to improve the world. The number nine also symbolizes longevity.

Nine in the tarot also refers to the Hermit. Self introspection. A time for withdrawal. Looking inside. Solitude. A pause.

So those are my messages. I'm glad i paid close attention to the numbers. Try to remember if u have any numbers in your dreams and look them up, there could be an important message for you.

Senses

2011-06-12T21:34:00.000-04:00

The last few days with my niece and nephew, we have been "playing" with the Healing with the Angels Oracle cards. I just made it fun for each of us to pick a card and see what it says. I don't go into deep explanations or anything. They luv them, in fact, they are asking to do them each time i see them. Children are highly intuitive beings, they have a sense a freedom that we as adults block out. My nephew was choosing a card and he instinctively closed his eyes and put his hand above the fanned out deck, and chose a card. What a proud auntie i was in that moment. Then he said to me, he let his senses pick the card. He also knew instinctively that if a card jumps out of the deck while shuffling it should be read. The other day when we did them, he was shuffling and then he cut the deck in half because someone told him to. I am beaming right now. So proud. They are both such sweet souls. It was funny watching their faces, when they got cards like: Soulmate, New love, and Romance. Funny and an interesting look into their little luv lives. It's a shame that we lose those abilities to fear, and discouragement and lack of trust.

Today i saw a picture with orbs in it. It profoundly effected me because growing up i used to see them and i tried to explain them to people and no one else could see them. I got discouraged and lost my ability to see them. Hopefully it comes back one day, because they were quite magical to see.

***A side note***

My nephew called me yesterday and asked if he could come over because he had something to bring over. When he got here, he pulled a bookmark out of his pocket for me. It was the same one his sister had bought me a few months prior. He knew how much i luved it and reading books and decided with his own money he would get me another one. It's cute, it has a little happy face with vampire teeth and says: sink your teeth into a good book. I know they are just bookmarks. But to me they are a pot of gold.

I think we should all get back to using our senses, what a wonderful lesson my nephew has taught me. If you take the time to listen to children they have a lot of life's important lessons there to teach those who have forgotten along the way.

Warning Sign~Coldplay~

2011-06-11T14:48:00.000-04:00

DE~

A warning sign,
I missed the good part then I realized,
I started looking and the bubble burst.
I started looking for excuses.

Come on in,
I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in,
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones,
That I started looking for a warning sign.

When the truth is,
I miss you.
Yeah the truth is,
That I miss you so.

A warning sign,
You came back to haunt me and I realized
you were an island and I passed you by,
You were an island to discover.

Come on in,
I've gotta tell you what state I'm in,
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones,
That I started looking for a warning sign.

When the truth is,
I miss you.
Yeah the truth is,
That I miss you so.

And I'm tired,
I should not have let you go.

So I crawl back into your open arms.
Yes, I crawl back into your open arms.
And I crawl back into your open arms.
Yes, I crawl back into your open arms...

2011-06-07T14:57:00.000-04:00

a little frustrated here, and i am going to vent. i saw my dr. last week, because i had pink eye, she gave me a prescription for ointment, that was $20. now i am done the treatment and no improvement. so i called back to speak with the nurse and ask her what i should do. and my dr. writes me another prescription for more eye drops that are $45 and told me to get some claritin and if that doesn't work then she will do a test. i know $65 isn't the end of the world but just throwing it out because she is guessing on what i have seems wasteful...arrrgghhh....screw that, i'm just going to wait and get the test done and then maybe spend the money on other treatments, once i get an answer.

Ukulele Songs, Mash-up

2011-06-06T15:33:00.001-04:00

I'm longing to belong but i can't keep those sleepless nites up. Without u, more than u know, i did not want to say goodbye. Hey fahkah, once and a while can u stop by the waving palms. Tonite u belong to me, broken heart or not. I'll be sleeping by myself tonite, so dream a little dream of me.It's light today, so bring in your satellite. If nothing else remember you're true to me.

Here's a mash up of Ukulele Songs, dedicated to Eddie Vedder. The words in turquoise are Eddie's songs. Ok, my obsession has gotten a little out of hand, i apologize. i'll try to refrain from further devotion ; )

Poison

2011-06-06T14:44:00.000-04:00

The point of poison drips out my veins,
drowned my sanity down the drain.
Melted thoughts, waking truth.
Fear unknown, sustaining youth.
Memories unfreeze,
Hearts seize.
Tip toed into the mind,
a feeling that's left behind.
Unlock the dark power,
changing every hour.

j. m. crole '11

Simplicity

2011-06-05T21:05:00.001-04:00

I think it is important to be grateful for the little things in life. We are so hung up on getting everything, fast, big and better than anyone else. Take time to appreciate the little things. Today, i am grateful for the frozen hot chocolate that cooled me down while i was driving listening to Ukulele Songs by Eddie Vedder. Damn he sounds good everywhere. I may not have a husband, car or house...but there are simple things i luv that make my life great, justine (my dog), Tyler and Julia (my niece and nephew) movies with friends, groups, eddie and my other music, writing, my laptop, and tarot cards. That is a small list of little things, that keep a smile my face. Be grateful, a simple thing like a cd and frozen hot chocolate can make for a fantastic day....a house, car and husband, can come later....

oh yeah and the breaking dawn trailer came out!!! it's friggen awesome!!!

peace out ; )

Calling

2011-06-03T18:48:00.000-04:00

Call to the wild, unknown and true.
Be simplistic in all u do.
Call to the daring, weak and strong.
Find a place where u belong.
Call to the weird, strange and bizarre.
Know all that you are.
Call to the unique, special and rare.
Know that they'll always be there.
Call to the voice, messages and noise.
Don't forget to play with your toys.
Call to the complicated, broken and hard.
Be your own security guard.
Listen to your soul, can u hear it calling???

j. m. crole '11

Mountain

2011-06-03T18:33:00.000-04:00

The quiet mountain gathers it strength by the sea,
sturdy and strong and meant to be.
Carried in our hearts heavy and proud.
She waits to hear our feelings out loud.
Masking the depth of her perfection,
she points us in the right direction.
Knowledge deep, trusted and true,
in hopes that you'll come thru.
To live your dreams, as u may.
climb your mountain today.

j. m. crole '11

2011-06-01T21:57:00.002-04:00

Listening to Eddie, while Justine is snoring...two best sounds in the world.

Ukulele songs~Eddie Vedder

2011-05-30T19:47:00.001-04:00

The more i listen to it, the more i want to post all the lyrics. Eddie said these songs are fictional. That may be true, but i like to believe they are his real feelings. So he can still be high up on the pedestal i put him on. The deep and dark lyrics on this album create a melancholic melody with the upbeat sound of the ukulele. The contrast is brilliant, genius. The music, light and airy and the lyrics deep and intense. The songs showcase his unique vocal talents. This album is a delight to listen to. At first it stirred up several emotions in me and brought me to tears, but i am biased. He is truly a flawless artist to me.

Without You~Eddie Vedder

2011-05-30T19:15:00.000-04:00

my favourite on the new album so far....

I'll grow when you grow
Let me loosen up the blindfold
I'll fly when you cry
Lift us out of this landslide

Wherever you go
Whenever we part

I'll keep on healing all the scars
That we've collected from the start
I'd rather this than live without you
For every wish upon a star
That goes unanswered in the dark
There is a dream I've dreamt about you

And from afar I lie awake
Close my eyes to find
I wouldn't be the same
I'll shine when you shine
Faded pictures on my mind
Sun sets on this ocean
Never once on my devotion

However you are
Or far that you fall

I'll keep on healing all the scars
That we've collected from the start
I'd rather this than live without you
For every wish upon a star
That goes unanswered in the dark
There is a dream I've dreamt about you

And from afar I lie awake
Close my eyes to find
I'd never be the same

Without you

Without you

2011-05-30T04:57:00.000-04:00

detoxing after 7 years of harsh chemicals that kept me surviving, barely functioning and not myself. my zombie like fog is lifting and real feelings are settling in. can't sleep because i had a magic pill do that for me too. the dr's think i am going more crazy b/c i want off the meds, it's a vicious circle when they deem u unstable. how do u explain that you just know you don't need medication anymore. yes, i have tried this road before and failed but i am going to try it again. if i fail, at least i know i tried to live with it on my own. i don't suggest this for everybody either. no, i am not recommending that everyone should go off their meds. they have done significant damage to me, that may be irreversible and have robbed me of me. on a creative level, my potential has gone down drastically, unable to reach that raw passionate writer deep within. unable to form whole thoughts and sentences, incapable of forming opinions, unable to remember or retain any information. the medication didn't solve my problems, just numbed me 24 hrs a day. perhaps it was saving me but i didn't feel any better with it, i still felt the depression maybe to a lesser degree, yes. but never the less being on the maximum dose off all my psychiatric meds, DID NOT take away any pain or anxiety or make me happier. i'm risking a lot by making this decision i know, i could fall very hard or i could stand up to those demons that have haunted me for years and say: "i'm taking my life back!!!"

2011-05-30T04:37:00.000-04:00

early morning,
cloudy sky,
winds from the north,
asking why.
birds sing,
chilly dew,
cannot sleep.
wish i knew.

j. m. crole '11

2011-05-26T13:41:00.002-04:00

Jesse with his new friend anita, second time he met her...R.I.P

My heart is broken for my best friend, who just lost her cat Jesse of 16 years. I used to call him luci as in Lucifer because he was so mischievous when he was little. He brought great joy her and her family. Never really liked me because of my loud laugh. Such a sad day, my thoughts and prayers are with her and her family at this time....I'm so incredibly sad and heart broken at this time. It's amazing how they touch our lives so deeply, he was an amazing, handsome boy and will be missed dearly.

Here is something i just remembered about Jesse...the funniest memory i have...Ange and i came home to her house super drunk from the bar and just as i passed out, Jesse jumped on his window ledge, above my head, over the bed and he and it came crashing down on me. Scaring the crap out of me...then i was laughing like crazy, and Ange just rolled over and continued to sleep.

Present Tense~Pearl Jam

2011-05-26T12:15:00.000-04:00

do you see the way that tree bends?
does it inspire?
leaning out to catch the sun's rays
a lesson to be applied
are you getting something out of this all encompassing trip?
you can spend your time alone, redigesting past regrets, oh
or you can come to terms and realize
you're the only one who can't forgive yourself, oh
makes much more sense to live in the present tense
have you ideas on how this life ends?
checked your hands and studied the lines
have you the belief that the road ahead ascends off into the light?
seems that needlessly it's getting harder
to find an approach and a way to live
are we getting something out of this all-encompassing trip?
you can spend your time alone redigesting past regrets, oh
or you can come to terms and realize
you're the only one who cannot forgive yourself, oh
makes much more sense to live in the present tense.

***the message sent to me is becoming clearer, forgive and forget***this song is flipping brilliant!!!!!

Out of place...

2011-05-22T17:02:00.000-04:00

After i knocked myself out last night, i must have slept for like 16 hrs...apparently i know how to party on a long weekend ; ) hahaha...i was reading everyones status yesterday and the majority of my friends are doing family things with their kids and gardening and stuff around their houses...so i was feeling a bit down on myself. I chose a different path, i chose to be alone and not have kids and am finding it hard to be out of the norm. It's not that i frown upon it, and i did want that path when i was young. I am lucky that i do get to play the family life when i look after my niece and nephew. And am not totally writing it off. But lets face it the clock is ticking. Two of my great aunts also chose to not have kids, but they were wonderful aunts. If that's what i can be, i'll be proud. I guess i just feel guilty for my lifestyle and all the reunions coming up, makes me even more anxious. Your worst critic is yourself and i am very hard on myself. At the end of the day, it's not that i'm unhappy it is just that i feel out of place. And though i feel i don't belong anywhere, it's maybe that it is here that i belong.

Darkness

2011-05-22T16:30:00.000-04:00

Evolution extended,
ever changing madness.
Pick me up of the floor,
drowning in self doubt.
Wallowing in the sadness,
Marked to close the door.
Ever evil demons possess.
Trying to get out of this mess.
Every direction but up, believe the lie.
Too hurt to get up into the sky.
Drowning in failure,
watching the days go by.
It's the darkness i am living.
The need to ask why....

j. m. crole '11

N.U.M.B

2011-05-16T06:59:00.000-04:00

I shouldn't be on the computer at all but it's hard to crack that addiction. I have messed my neck and shoulders up pretty bad, can't sleep b/c i can't get comfortable with the pain and burned myself with the heating pad which caused a heat rash and so on. Anyways, i thought i would write about N.U.M.B because it was a brilliant idea in highschool by me and my then boyfriend Benny. There were rampant crazy rumours going around my highschool about me after an incident involving pills and a break-up. A guy on my bus, had told everyone that i was in some kind of cult, that i was no different than any cult leader and it was satanic. (He did later in life apologise for all the pain he had caused me) So, all kinds of stuff he spread about me and soon i was all alone on the bus and in the cafe. No one wanted to be near me anymore.

I had a couple classes with a guy named Benny (who had a girlfriend at the time) but
was the only person willing to overlook the rumours spread about me and give me a chance. So we wrote letters (on paper, with a pen ;) back and fourth to each other over the course of a few months we grew closer and Benny joked that we should come up with a name for our very own letter writing cult. It's blurry to me who came up with the name but we called it N.U.M.B and i (i think) made the acronym Not Using My Brain. Eventually we started going out, there were rumours of that too. We continued our rather dark and romantic letters sometimes talk of secret meetings and sacrificing erasers or something for some time.

I have been thinking about it and realized for the last several years, i haven't been using my brain. I have some lost control of it and let others use it for me. Surely deep down somewhere i do know what i want and sometimes i do, do what makes me happy. But for the most part i have been on cruise control, going in directions i have been pushed or suggested i go in. I'm hoping to change that this year, but so far have not had any success in doing so. The chances and opportunities have been there but just haven't been strong enough to stand up for myself and give myself a little respect.

I was alienated in highschool because of the rumours and my mental illness and sought out the desperate need for any kind of affection. I guess i never really grew out of that. Now it is time. I don't know how but i am going to get back control of my life and live it the way i was meant to. I'm sure the answers will come to me and i am prepared for a painful road ahead. But I am willing to use my brain now, just hoping the gears have seized up.

going for a nap now....or back to bed....

2011-05-10T11:29:00.000-04:00

Release me,
free to be,
one with you,
two with me.
Release me,
memories haunt,
lessons learned,
nothing i want.
Release me,
floating heart,
dreams left unsaid,
pain rests in my head.
Release me,
freedom to be,
all that i can see,
i hold the key.

j. m. crole '11

2011-05-10T11:21:00.000-04:00

I've gottcha, a disease in my mind,
different artists afflicted.
Making things of beauty.
Natural disaster.
Born madness,
an ill poem, sick with luv.
Open tragedy, bleeding heart.
Wipes out the mind,
Harder to reach.
Voice is clearer now.
Words are flowing out somehow.

j. m. crole '11

2011-05-10T11:10:00.000-04:00

A possible crash, not knowing my way.
Down deep i'm diving and want to stay.
Coming back to reality, have much to defend.
Unfreeze my broken heart and let it mend.
Looking for a permanent solution to wipe away these fears.
Beaten down and damaged for so many years.
Coming to the surface, afraid of failure.
Trying to give my darkness a cure.
Tired of being a prisoner to the pill bottle.
Turning things up, full throttle.
Might be a mistake, i'm aware,
but for now i feel free and just don't care.

j. m. crole '11

Kiss

2011-05-10T10:59:00.000-04:00

A kiss from you, rendered a silly mishap.
Maybe my lips shouldn't have met yours.
Maybe i shouldn't blush.
Maybe, no butterflies in my tummy.
Maybe my head should stop burning.
A silly little kiss, my toes are numb.
Valid in my heart, have we just begun???

j. m. crole '11

2011-05-07T18:56:00.000-04:00

A goodbye tear.
Scent of your clothes,
mess on your side of the bed.
Empty kitchen table.
No fight for the converter.
Cold bed.
Empty arms.
Heart broken,
dreams shattered.
Begin again,
find all that mattered.

j. m. crole '11

2011-05-06T15:21:00.001-04:00

A foggy mist, and beautiful stream,
can all lead you back to me.
Left where i forgot and a broken term.
Cannot do what i think, lessons to learn.
That moment in time, standing still now.
Breeds emptiness and darkness and the willing of how.
How to break the cycle, overplayed record.
Meaning a luving disaster and agility of a leopard.
Here i stand ready to receive,
what i thought i might not ever achieve.
A fiery madness settles within.
To you i give my immortal sin.
Evade the guilt and shame,
playing life's little game.

j. m. crole '11

2011-05-04T21:12:00.000-04:00

On a more positive note, my nephew told me today a cardinal followed him to school and waited outside when he got out of school...some prayers do get answered. I had been asking for someone to watch over my nephew. Just the way the cardinal watched over me in barrie and here, he is now watching my nephew. If you don't know, the cardinal is representation of my cousin who passed away in 1997. I have been told this by many and had my own suspicions, when he started following me in barrie. It is a great comfort to know he is there for him too. My deepest thank-u's : )

2011-05-04T16:25:00.003-04:00

here's the problem with never saying no...people take advantage of u!!! you are always trapped without being able to say no. i say yes to not hurt people and that has put me in a very bad place. soon people realize you are never going to say no, so they ask u to do things all the time. i don't think this makes me a saint or any more important. but i am in tears right now, because i've been forced to choose sides in the family. essentially i have said yes to doing something that will hurt other family members if i do. but i only said yes to not hurt the family member that asked me. and now i have severely disappointed another....so i feel like crap right now, i'm trying to figure a way out of this mess. but looks like i am knee deep in it...all because i couldn't say no. and now feel like the biggest deadbeat there is. : (

before all this it was a good day, had another psychic reading, it did not warn me of this really unfair situation.... :((((((

it's like if i say no, i'll screw up other peoples lives and they will be hurt and disappointed. well, i am already greatly disappointed in myself as it is and to add to that would be devastating. i know everyone has family drama. so how do you pick between the ones you luv???

2011-05-03T11:35:00.000-04:00

A dawning of a new era,
rip the restrictions off.
Down to bare bones.
This might be me.
I'm afraid to see what is under there.
Years of mind numbing drugs.
Reduced to minimum survival.
I believe all the junk has left my soul toxic.
Struggling to stay afloat, in a dark world.
Still broken from the past,
still hating myself, and feeling anxious.
All the things i tried to escape,
still lay there dormant,
ready to attack.
I've got my amour on, ready for battle.
Ready to dive deep and repair.
Ready to see what's left in there.

2011-05-02T12:56:00.001-04:00

I'm not good enough.
No one likes me.
I'm a failure.
I'm a stupid, pathetic loser.

LET IT REST...

I'm worthless.
Weak.
Ugly.

LET IT REST...

I can't.
I'm afraid.
No one cares.

LET IT REST...

2011-05-02T12:07:00.000-04:00

Eye for an eye. Yeah, that always settles the score!!! I don't have much to say, because i am not well informed on the situation. But something tells me, that that may just piss them off more. Another leader will rise and we'll be watching another tragedy on the t.v. screen. Not saying i know the solution and he shouldn't pay for what he did. But it is such a volatile situation, where people are willing to give their lives to the cause, with no disregard. Justice has not been done, just a bunch of silly powerful men stroking their damaged egos. ****My uneducated opinion****

2011-04-24T06:11:00.001-04:00

Was just awakened rudely by a certain dog named justine from a very very good dream. The first half was about Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. Somehow was at my aunts and met him, we were hanging out, then he had to go. But i got a phone call from the both of them saying they were in California. And Kristen said, just so you know, we are dating. As if i would ever have the chance. Anyways turns out he was still at what i can only describe as the Cullen house i was in. And he came to say goodbye, we stood on the deck, he had his arm around me and gave me a kiss. Paparazzi were taking pictures. And I was freaking out because my hair was a mess, i had no make-up and was wearing a giant red sweater. I was consciously aware that i did try to hide behind him in the pictures though. He left with Kristen and they told me again that they were dating. Then my mom came in and said i was on the Internet, i just about died. But when i looked at the pictures, it was Debra Gioavanni, not me...phew. That was the ending.

Then somehow I was still in the Cullen house which happens to be my aunts, in B.C. and Ange was there with me, Chris Martin walks in. Sits down and starts chatting with us. It was his room we were in and we had tickets for that nites show. I was still looking very ugly, and talking to Chris about writing, how i wanted to write down everything he said so i wouldn't forget. He pulls out several journals for me to write in, one was very similar to one i already have that was made in Australia but it had the title Starlite on it. He said that would be perfect for me, because it's the name i like. So he gave it to me and i started to write stuff down. Then he took us to a room full of cameras. He likes taking pictures too. I said that`s perfect because Ange luves cameras. He thought it was cool that i write and she luves cameras. So we looked at a whole bunch of different ones, then he had all these tapes, and products from (Sephora, my favourite store) that were fair trade and organic, which i apparently luv as well. He gave them all to me. Ange and i sat behind a counter with him and said he was our boyfriend. He put a moustache on and fooled other fans. And just before i was about to be awakened, i was working up the courage to ask him to dedicate Viva La Vida to Damien in the show that nite. AHHHHHHHHHH....that is the end, of such amazing dreams, better than the last several nites that were all nightmares.

Glorified J

2011-04-16T19:37:00.000-04:00

It tears me apart to feel like i can't tell him it gets better. But it is a life long struggle. Some days I don't sleep and run around like crazy, others i sleep for 16 hours (mostly the other). I remember being his age (9) hating life, afraid of change and not being luved, feeling stupid and ugly and most of all unworthy. I wish i could shelter him from that pain. Maybe he'll grow out of it they will say. I pray everyday that he does. I want him to know that it doesn't make you weak or unworthy. It is a different way of life. Some people have diabetes and some mental illness, some have ADHD and some just plain low self esteem. We all have our demons, mine happens to be bi-polar II, which has come in handy in my creative department. And has lead me down an interesting path.

To see a child suffer the way i did from such an early age is heartbreaking...it rips my heart out. Life gets better, they will tell you that too. And to some degree it is true...the dark feelings you have do fade with time. But they don't tell the havoc they will wreak on you if you don't deal with them head on. I knew the first time i tried to kill myself, at 10 that this wasn't going to just go away or i was going to grow out of it. If i could tell him one thing...it would be to learn to luv and trust yourself and do it well. That is your greatest protection, that is what i failed to do and still pay the price for it everyday. Also know that no matter how alone you feel, you are not alone. And search for your happy ending. The glass can be half full.

2011-04-12T10:11:00.002-04:00

Damien,

I hope u know how much u taught me and if for one moment i could live like you did...well, watch out!!! ; )

Peace Out!

Jenn

2011-04-12T09:46:00.002-04:00

Damon,

U filled my life with light and happiness.
Every moment was an adventure with u.
The laughter and gentle freedom you possessed will stay with me forever.
14 years have passed, with your memory still strong.
Your short stay has touched my life deeply,
and i thank-u for all that u have taught me.
In the light now, free from your worldly restrictions.
With me everyday, i am grateful for your presence.
You inspired me and i'll try to pass your message on.
Though i miss you deeply, i know u had to move on.
In my heart and soul you will stay.
Best friends forever.
As i wipe these tears away,
from the hole in my heart.
No matter how far away,
I feel we never are apart.

luv jennifer
xoxoxoxoxoxo

2011-04-09T12:19:00.000-04:00

A soul free of pain,
grows and maintains.
An inch, a mile,
a wonderful smile.
Bright as the sun,
I've come undone.
To you, i'm true.
Be all that i can do.
The road is long.
Until you hear the song.
And one day feel like you belong.

j. m. crole '11

Ache

2011-04-09T12:13:00.000-04:00

Travel thru the aching heart, that is pain.
Hoping to hear your voice again.
You have a funny way of visiting.
To see if i'm listening.
To capture life as it flows thru.
Moving on with me beside you.
Darkest night, your light prevails.
To seek the mystery and untold tales.
Ever seeing.
Always being.
Death became your freedom.
To roam around the kingdom.
Watch over all of us and our funny ways.
Leaving us missing you for days.
I feel that you are not far.
In this hollow heart, you are what you are.

j. m. crole '11

Endure

2011-04-09T12:05:00.000-04:00

A dribble of sadness lights up my cheek...
A stumble down the mountain has make me weak.
But the climb back up has built my strength.
To beat sadness at any length.
To endure pain, and what it has done.
To reach for happiness and the sun.
To stand up and be proud,
and express what i'm allowed.

j. m. crole '11

Dear, Tyler & Julia

2011-04-06T04:21:00.000-04:00

I hurt, when u hurt.
I cry, when u cry.
I feel, when u feel.
I laugh, when u laugh.
I smile, when u smile.
I watch u grow, saddened by time,
excited by change. Living thru your moments.
Watching the maturity u gain.
I'll be there to break your fall.
I'll be there thru it all.
With open arms, i'll sit and wait.
It will never be too late.
To call me and i'll be there.
Beause i luv u and i care.
U mean the world to me.
When you bleed, i bleed too.
I believe in all that u do....
Auntie Jenn really luves U...

xoxoxoxoxoxo

Writing Prompts - Feelings

2011-03-29T13:26:00.000-04:00

Here are the prompt words:

sympathy, contentment, tenderness, hostility, hope, confusion, loneliness, love - parent/child, curiosity, forgiveness, despair, jealousy, revenge, suspicion, gratitude, restlessness, happiness, fear, surprise, anger, excitement, passion.

I never asked for much sympathy for my loneliness. I've kept my hostility to a minimum. Contentment is the hope for happiness. My suspicion kept me restless and to my surprise, anger and revenge took over. As my excitement grew, my passion and gratitude, grounded me. I felt I had to find forgiveness, in order to carry on. The luv of a child their tenderness, surrounds you and to your confusion makes you feel a luv you have never felt before. I fear my despair may take over. But willing to admit that my loneliness may have made me stronger.

Fate~Chance~Destiny~

2011-03-21T12:57:00.000-04:00

Fate

a. The supposed force, principle, or power that predetermines events.

b. The inevitable events predestined by this force.

2. A final result or consequence; an outcome.

Chance

a. The unknown and unpredictable element in happenings that seems to have no assignable cause.

b. A force assumed to cause events that cannot be foreseen or controlled; luck: Chance will determine the outcome.

2. The likelihood of something happening; possibility or probability. Often used in the plural: Chances are good that you will win. Is there any chance of rain?

3. An accidental or unpredictable event.

4. A favorable set of circumstances; an opportunity: a chance to escape.

Destiny

1. The inevitable or necessary fate to which a particular person or thing is destined; one's lot.

2. A predetermined course of events considered as something beyond human power or control: "Marriage and hanging go by destiny" (Robert Burton).

3. The power or agency thought to predetermine events: Destiny brought them together.

Can one decision you make cause the fates to change your destiny??? Or is it your destiny to make that decision. Is there a grand plan??? A predetermined set of events that occur naturally thru your life??? That life is pre-set with an eclectic abundance of chances...so maybe there are many plans but inevitably one big one in the end. My aunt taught me that we all choose our paths before birth when the soul is waiting to come into the next vessel. That the life we lived before predetermines the path we will create in our new bodies. That's a hard one to swallow. Why would people choose poverty, illness, and detriment???

So a predetermined, chosen path is made even before you get here. That doesn't seem fair. But makes sense to me. I've learned that shrinking from your destiny only puts up more road blocks for you to climb. The farther away you are from your path, the more difficult it becomes. Once you are enlightened and aware of who you are and what your meant to be, life throws you an array of chances. People who have died young, i believe find their paths far quicker than any of us. They are called back to reset and start another path, perhaps a longer one next time.

All this stuff is blowing my mind, it is so huge i can't get a grasp on it. All i can say is to be humble and have the belief that there is something much bigger than us out there.

Cheers! And go see The Adjustment Bureau!!!